Two versions of yourself

Two cities, two homes, two friendship groups... how can you switch between two completely separate lives.

What’s it like leading two lives. One where you've grown up there your whole life and everyone knows you. Another somewhere completely new, where you have formed your own identity and independence. When we think of leading a double life we would usually think of a international spy, not a uni student. But that’s essentially what we’re doing. We've moved to a brand new city, explored this new place on our own and become something that is ours. We’re out in the world on our own, making new friends and experiencing university life, something that is all so unfamiliar to us. You could really go to uni and completely change your persona, it’s a fresh start where no one knows your past. You live in two cities, have two different sets of friends, two homes, even two different regular coffee shops. It’s like in living in two different worlds, where you click pause and play on each life whenever you want.

Everytime I go back home for the Christmas break I’m so excited to see my family and friends. But then the weeks pass, the January blues kick in and the boredom sets in place. You’re sat staring at the same four walls you dreamed of escaping. It almost feels like you’ve regressed and gone back in time. Why is it when I go back home I feel like I’m my 17 year old self again. My overthinking, sensitive, over- romanticising, daydreaming, workaholic, bookworm, cancelling plans, sad music playing, isolated 17 year old self. But why do I also kind of like it. I miss that girl sometimes, the way she feels her emotions so big and how strong she was fighting her insecurities to make the strong woman you’ve become now. Although you may feel like you’ve gone back in time, sitting in that room you grew up in feels kind of healing. You’ve found some glitch in the system where time can stand still and you’ve gone back to your old self. Those four walls have seen you cry, laugh your heart out with your childhood friends and dance to your favourite songs like no one is watching. It’s a safe haven.

There’s always this sense of reminiscing when you walk through your hometown. Every corner holds a memory, whether it’s doing the food shop with your Mom or getting drunk in the park at 15 with your friends. It’s your old school bus driving past you with kids on it in your school uniform, but you don’t recognise their faces anymore. The lollipop man outside your primary school is no longer there, you wonder if he’s ok but then you remember school you left school 10 years ago. It’s walking down your childhood street and seeing someone else in the driveway of your old house. It’s the barista that remembers your coffee order to this day. It’s driving past your old work that you had to leave when you went to uni and still miss to this day. It’s seeing your little cousins who are now grown up and don’t cling onto you for hugs anymore. It’s going to your best friend’s Dad’s cafe and the girl behind the counter serving you is no longer her, but her little sister. All of it feels like you’ve just woken up from a coma and two years of your life has gone by. Time didn't stop and life has kept on going without you.

You meet up with your old school friends, they all have new friends, they look completely different, their voices have changed but nothing feels like it’s changed. We don’t really talk about our new lives at uni, it feels like a taboo topic. It feels like we’ve moved on without them, like we’ve left them behind. We haven't done anything wrong though, moving on is just a part of life. For those few hours, we’re those 18 year olds looking back on our school years and laughing at all those memories that are ingrained in our minds. You pause at them for a moment and look at these people that you grew up with. The moment goes by in slow motion as you try to hold onto the memory, you hope you will always meet up and no matter how many years go by or how little contact you have with them, they’ll always be there. They are your childhood.

It’s also weird seeing your friends from uni have another life. You hear about their home and their memories there but really you only know the version of them you met at uni. You don’t know the version of them that is a daughter, a sister or a school friend. On social media you see them at home, with people you don’t know in a pub you don’t recognise, and you have this feeling like don't know them at all. A part of you has fomo and feels jealous that you're not in this part of their lives, but it's not yours to have. Even when you visit their hometown there’s something so surreal about it. The home they showed you on google maps actually exists, their job is a real place not just a background for their BeReal and the names of their home friends actually have a face. It truly feels like we are all hiding this other life.

When you go back to your hometown you see it with new eyes. You either love it even more and appreciate the little things it has to offer or you hate it and see how constricting it’s barriers are of your freedom. It’s weird how much you crave independence when you are at uni but when you're all alone, you suddenly feel homesick and crave that familiarity. You no longer want to be this new person who does it all on their own and has to be an adult. You want to be that kid who would come home to dinner ready for you cooked by Dad, all your clothes washed for you, your sister being only the room next over and a hug whenever you want from Mom. Growing up is a weird thing. You feel like you’ve been rushed into adulthood with no preparation, thrown into the deep end. But in reality you’ve had 18 years to prepare and even our uni years are just a practice run at real adulthood.

Even when we finish uni and have to find a job correlating to our degree, there’s a slim chance we’re going to be jumping into this life where we live on our own in the big city. We probably will have to move back home and save up for our future. Which will inevitably make you resent your hometown more? You’ll feel like you're trapped and you’ll want to escape as soon as possible. I guess your 20s just feels like a constant cycle of craving independence and missing familiarity. You always want the opposite of what you have. When you're a kid, all you want to do is grow up but as you get older you miss your childhood and feel like it all went by too quickly. You can never win.

Life is weird in that way, you can have these two separate lives but you'll always be envious of what you don't have and what used to be. I just hope I can enjoy living in the moment and find the good in wherever I end up.